while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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