id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I looked at my own cervix.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
