Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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