i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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