My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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