I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
