there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize