I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
