All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My vagina is very pro this idea
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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