I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
