Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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