I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
