That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
