The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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