Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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