How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
