smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
