Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
