Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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