I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize