My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
