Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I didn't notice because vodka
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
