Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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