i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
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Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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