are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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