Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
