Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
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I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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