I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
