Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
