I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
dude. I can hear the air.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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