Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
