god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
