I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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