Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
