There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
