I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
