He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
