Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
