Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
