this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The air taste purple.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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