I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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