put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
