I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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