Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
