Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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