I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
