38 yer olds are good kisserssss
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
