Can i not drive my cunt home
im about as happy as oj after his trial
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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