Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
