i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
