you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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