get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
