There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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