It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
