I like to think it a success when the cops are called
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
