I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
