to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
