well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I forget how to act sober
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
