I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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