You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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