I met the friendliest cop last night
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
