we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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