Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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