Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone