ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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