I'm an idiot
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.