T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.