i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?